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The place there may be Will (Smith), there’s a means (to determine an Indian connection, after all); how about shuddh desi apparel and a Be taught Hindi in 30 Days guidebook for that excellent Indian sojourn? 

The place there may be Will (Smith), there’s a means (to determine an Indian connection, after all); how about shuddh desi apparel and a Be taught Hindi in 30 Days guidebook for that excellent Indian sojourn? 

Arre, what took you so lengthy, Will Bhai? Right here I used to be pondering you’d simply take the again door of the Dolby Theatre as quickly as you’d collected your award, and spoken so movingly concerning the loopy issues love could make you do, pushed straight to the airport, obtained into your Learjet and advised your pilot ‘India, and step on it, *%$*$*!!’

However, by no means thoughts, you’re lastly residence. That’s all that issues. We’re glad you realised that, whereas Philadelphia, USA, could also be your janmabhoomi, India has at all times been your karmabhoomi, priya mitr. In your fellow billionaire-entertainer Akki Kumar’s case, it’s the reverse. India is his janmabhoomi whereas Canada is his karmabhoomi. All of it evens out, you see.

We’re pleased with you, brother, for giving a decent slap to that Chris Rock fellow. How dare he say one thing about your spouse, and injure your tender, entitled, multi-billionaire sentiments? That, too, on the Oscars? And, that, too, one thing that made you giggle spontaneously at first? (We suspect that was the work of Nehru’s ghost, flitting about on the ceremony, and attempting to own good people and make them do unhealthy issues.)

Glad you took the righteous route, although. How else are you able to restore the deep anguish your sentiments have been put via besides by planting a swift one within the unsuspecting kisser of the assailant in full public view, ranting at him out of your front-row seat, and weeping afterwards for the evil perpetrated on you.

How else does one show one’s loyalty to 1’s spouse, or for that matter, religion, perception or alternative of meals? Had this occurred in India, you wouldn’t have been alone in your combat. Sympathetic fellow hurt-sentimentalists would have joined you on stage, and on condition that Rock chap what we discuss with as dharmadi. And they’d have had sticks. Preparation, you see, is every part.

Properly, all that’s behind you now. You might be right here, and we must be specializing in how greatest you utilise your time. I’d assume step one is clear. You want to cleanse your self in our holy waters. Wipe the ill-effects of that Rock fellow off your wife-worshipping palm. Second, you want a right away change in gear. Drop your western duds and get your self some shuddh desi apparel. I’m not going to waste valuable column telling you what that’s. Such as you didn’t know, lol. Third, you get your self a ‘Be taught Hindi in 30 Days’.

That achieved, you want a motorcycle. Except I’m mistaken you’ve had some fairly enlightening conversations with a philosophical bike fanatic or bike-riding thinker, relying on the way you take a look at it. He’d be glad to lend you his scrambler, belief me. Who is aware of, he could even wish to journey alongside.

You then do a tour of our historic land. You may go from city to city and proper misdirected, misinformed individuals along with your rap-gesturing, Chris-slapping, Oscar-caressing, wrong-righting hand. And there are lots of that want correction. Making the improper form of jokes, consuming the improper meals, studying the improper books, talking the improper language, carrying the improper garments … and hurting our sentiments.

And this tour could possibly be serialised and offered to Netflix or Amazon. I’ve obtained a great identify for it: The Will Information. Assured superhit. For those who’ve left by the point this piece is out, I hope it persuades you to come back again, Will Bhai. This time for good. We’d like worldwide position fashions such as you right here. Would you come again if we gave you a cute Gujju identify? How about Thappadesh Bhai Smithendradas?

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written 4 books and edited an anthology.

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